I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
