Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
