I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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