i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
