Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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