Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
