Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
