I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
