Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize