Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize