It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
