my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
