In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
