The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i think i have herpe
just one?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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