I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
