He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
