o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
