...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
