Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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