And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ketchup is God's man juice
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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