Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
