remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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