when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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