Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize