My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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