i need an iv and a liver transplant
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
