How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
