I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
