You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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