tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
