How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
