how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
