It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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