When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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