i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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