Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
