WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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