she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
