...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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