All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
