in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize