he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
