tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
