So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You have to summon your inner elephant
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
