You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
