you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
