it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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