New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
