Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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