I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
