i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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