Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
