then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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