just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
