If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Drake has all the answers
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
