Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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