You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
