Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
